Greetings, Fellow Earthlings. Be not afraid! As we enter Chapter Two of Book One of THE END IS NEAR, it is told that we are in good hands. The strength of America, nay the World, comes not from faceless, heartless, soulless corporations falsely and cynically ordained as “Human” by Troglodytes in the Robes of the Supremes, but from
Family Businesses. Mom and Pop Capitalism is what rocks the economic, cultural and spiritual boat. And behold unto us comes the most ultimate family business since the birth of the Mafia. Just look at the Signs! Does not the Tower scream “Trump?” Have not charities, a university and casinos been graced with the family brand? Does not your stimulus check bear the name of the family head? Yes, dear citizens of the world: rest assured that the entire might of the Trump family business is at this very moment being brought into battle to make sure the world will be a safe place for Trumps to make money for at least a generation or two. And there is a danged good chance some of that wealth will trickle down to you!
The Trump Family Business is fighting this branding battle, our battle, on so many fronts, it is sometimes hard to keep track. Our enemies are numerous and everywhere. They are communists, socialists, liberals, Democrats, Muslims, immigrants, idealists, failed Republicans posing as “reasonable,” and Yankees. Not to mention the CIA, the FBI, the WHO, The UN and REM. They are poets, pop stars and, perhaps the very bottom of pungent barrel, Scientists! They are in China,
Germany, France, the Halls of Congress, Governors’ mansions across the East, the Midwest, the far West and in the nations of the Middle East not ruled by Trillionaire Oil Oligarchs. They write for newspapers large and small. They appear on many Television Networks spewing their hateful truth. Some even infiltrate online publications such as THE AUSTIN SUN. Unions are full of them! So-called medical professionals, public school teachers and college professors are some of the worst. Many of them are uppity women, whiny minorities, discontented disableds, pointy-headed intellectual do-gooders and that guy down the street who fails to mow his lawn often enough.
So against such a conglomeration of conspirators what is to come? Much of what follows is pure speculation. But it is speculation based on some relationship, often tenuous, to the reality of what has come before. Some
of my “information” should be taken with a cup of salt since it has been supplied by my occasional sidekick and oft-times nemesis, Travis Redfish, who claims to be a regular deliverer of magic mushroom pizza to the White House.
1. The Donald is on the verge of discovering that just a tiny injection of Trump Oil (a disinfectant mixed with just the right amount of THC) will cure bone spurs. However, the THC may attract mosquitoes leading to malaria, which can only be cured by Trumpazine Hydroxychloroquine. Some believe that the resulting heart condition can occasionally be relieved by an injection of Ivanka TOE-tal Vanish, a formula developed by Trump and Jared from Ivanka’s liquefied toenails. These brilliant revelations by Doctor Trump will earn him his long-coveted "Noble" Prize, although it will be in the unanticipated category of medicine!
2. With few exceptions, hugely profitable publicly-traded corporations will no longer get government stimulus checks. A certain fast food joint will be rewarded for encouraging patriotism in trying times by selling The McDonald Presidential Burger. Disney theme parks will have the same treatment due to their replacing Mickey Mouse with DONALD TRUMP DUCK. And the National Bridge Players Society will obtain a billion dollar grant by declaring, “All cards are TRUMP cards!”
A side deal has just been worked out with Disney by The Art of the Deal-maker himself. One day a year, Disney
World will be closed to the public to allow Donald Jr. to hunt for the costumed animals. Mickey Mouse and Donald Trump Duck are permanently out of season, but The Beast and The Lion King must be very nervous.
3. After a few minor patriotic adjustments, many sports leagues will return to business as usual. You may notice that all bats in Major League Baseball will have the phrase “A Big Hit for Trump!” wood-burned on the barrel. NBA players value their sneakers above all else, and they will be proud to have them all engraved with “Jump for Trump!” NFL players will have the honor of wearing jockstraps with Trump’s face sewn on them.
4. Jared, the heroic and brilliant son-in-law, will make many contributions to our journey into the Trump Normal. Having collected and confiscated millions of surgical masks, ventilators and virus test kits, he will distribute them all to any and every health worker who welcomes the opportunity to wear a MAGA hat, and never take it off, while performing their medical duties.
5. In order for all concert venues to reopen to full capacity, a few minor aesthetic adjustments may take place. To keep up with the times, the lyrics to a popular Woody Guthrie song still performed by many singers will change to “This land is Trump’s land, this land is Mnuchin’s land…” The Willie Nelson tune “Me and Paul,” will be updated to “Me and Donald.” Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” will make the very logical transition to “Look What Trump Made Me do.” And Kanye West’s “Jesus Walks,” should and shall change to “Trump Walks.” You may look forward to other improvements as Trump time goes by. For example, with a bit of minor dub-over we can have “Sympathy for the Donald,” “Hey, Jared” and “Trump’s Got a Brand New Bag.”
Fortunately, Redfish assures me that one of the most controversial of the potential changes is completely off the table. Trump is not even considering killing off or neglecting our senior citizens. But something, not that, but something should be anticipated or we won’t be ready when it does and, well...we MUST BE. We should have learned that from 9/11 and with all this virus thingie.
If only someone other than Obama had set up the "Pandemic Preparedness System", Trump would not have needed to kill it. But just in the remote possibility that Granny might have to be sacrificed to save Goldman Sachs, an elite task force may, or may not, have been assembled to explore who might be expendable and how they would be disposed of, not that they ever would be. Under any circumstances. So a blue-ribbon panel has not formed to study this issue. It does not include Dan Patrick, (the Texas Lt. Governor, not the sports announcer), Kim Kardashian, Sheriff Joe, Roger Stone and Anne Rice. And rumors that the Trumps are buying up huge swaths of land outside Odessa, Texas are completely false! And even if they are buying the land, it will not be used to inter senior citizens in Trump Camps. And even if the resort-like camps are built, they will not proclaim them to be for “Free Range Seniors!”
So fear not, fellow citizens of Earth. The government of the United States never sleeps ... as long as there is something good to watch on “Fox News” in praise of His Majesty.
James BigBoy Medlin © 2020
James BigBoy Medlin was the sports writer for the original Austin Sun. His column was called "Why Not?"
Join the conversation, click here to comment