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Why Not? / The Ultimate Gun Regulation Survey

​My father would shoot me for even broaching this subject. But he’s dead, so I proceed with limited fear. Much has changed since the Second Amendment was ratified in 1791. Women can vote. Black people can buy firearms. One gun can kill dozens, perhaps even hundreds, of people. But one thing remains the same – no politician has proposed taking away the guns of law-abiding citizens.

So, to regulate or not to regulate the purchase of military assault weapons, that is the question. The survey below will reveal how you really feel about the issue. Answer each question “yes” or “no”, then tally your vote and see where you stand.

I believe military assault weapons should be available to:

  1. Consenting Adults - (YES or NO)

  2. Children of all ages regardless of race or creed - (YES or NO)

  3. Homicidal Maniacs - (YES or NO)

  4. Lady Gaga - (YES or NO)

  5. All Primates - (YES or NO)

  6. Everyone who ever played varsity football. Otherwise roving bans of gays, lesbians and soccer players will confiscate everyone’s guns - (YES or NO)

  7. Persons on Terrorist Watch Lists - (YES or NO)

  8. Domestic Abusers - (YES or NO)

  9. Nuns - (YES or NO)

  10. All teachers, except those teaching calculus - (YES or NO)

  11. Biker Gangs, but only when wearing their colors - (YES or NO)

  12. Dick Cheney - (YES or NO)

  13. Harvey Weinstein - (YES or NO)

  14. The Rock - (YES or NO)

  15. Convicted Felons - (YES or NO)

  16. The Police (the musical group) - (YES or NO)

  17. The Police (law enforcers) - (YES or NO)

  18. Oprah - (YES or NO)

  19. Only white people - (YES or NO)

  20. Everyone except white people - (YES or NO)

  21. Retired Western stars from TV and the movies - (YES or NO)

  22. Residents of Roswell, New Mexico - (YES or NO)

  23. Odd characters who say they crashed their vehicle in Roswell - (YES or NO)

  24. All of the above, except #18 - (YES or NO)

  25. None of the above, except #18 - (YES or NO)

If you answered Yes to five or fewer, you are most likely Canadian.

If you answered Yes on 6-10, do not expect a Christmas fruitcake from the NRA.

Yes on 11-15, you probably never cross an intersection once the light turns yellow.

If you answered Yes on 16-20 questions, please enjoy your NRA fruitcake.

If you answered Yes on 21-24 questions, those who answered Yes on 16-20 would like to thank you for the delicious fruitcake.

If you answered Yes on every question, congratulations – you will receive a designer straight jacket previously worn by Ted Bundy, Ted Nugent, or Ted Cruz.


James BigBoy Medlin © 2018

James BigBoy Medlin was the sports writer for the original Austin Sun. His column was called "Why Not?"


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