Please help me! I fear my mind is going and I am suffering from a terrifying delusion. It seems like this fellow Trump is part of every show, newscast, blog, and joke. Slowly but surely, that name – a name that is pronounced very much like the sound a full-sized ham makes when it lands on the tile floor of a kitchen – has begun to dominate my thoughts.
That five-letter word has become completely invasive, like a non-native fish devouring every other life form in the river. Recently, while stopped at a traffic light, the driver behind me honked his horn when I failed to notice the changing of color. As he passed me, he made a single-fingered gesture and shouted “Trump you!”
In hope of avoiding the word, I quit playing bridge. I no longer listen to recordings of Miles Davis or Louis Armstrong playing their favorite instrument. My health waned when I was unable to properly perform my toilette for fear of thinking about the word “d**p.” One of my favorite dishes is beef cooked slowly with carrots, potatoes and onions. But what if the beef turns out to be “rump” roast!
Didn’t the meteorologist just say we might experience Stormy weather with a chance of Daniels? The FOX network is rebooting an old TV show and calling it “Fresh Pence of Bel Air.” Some character on a reality show just said, “I want more, I-Vanka life of luxury.” My friend started to light a cig in a bar until he was told, “There’s a Bannon on smoking here.” Basketball announcers are using the expression “He really Kushnered that guy,” when one player fakes out another. DeVos has become interchangeable with “devoid.” As in “She is DeVos of all knowledge concerning how to check out a library book.” I understand that the wife of Treasury Secretary Mnuchin is complaining because her husband’s name has not yet invaded pop culture. And speaking of invade – I dread the moment “BOLTON” becomes a household word.
My physician says the Trump Virus will go away on its own in 4 to 8 years. I suppose that’s not too long to be locked away in a dark room. But wait! The fine print on the pill bottle the doctor gave me says “Warning: mixing Trump medicine with international politics, issues of civil liberty or economic policy could be hazardous to your health and that of the planet around you.”
Might as well just have a Trump steak, a shot of Trump vodka, and watch my favorite soap opera – “As the Trump Turns.”
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James BigBoy Medlin © 2018
James BigBoy Medlin was the sports writer for the original Austin Sun. His column was called "Why Not?"
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