It recently came to my attention that Donald Trump’s cousin, Ronald “Tex” Trump, is overseeing the Texas portion of Donald’s Presidential campaign. This interview was set up in a top-secret location by a mutual bartender.
BIG: Let me get one thing out of the way right off the bat. You want to be called “Tex,” but my researchers can find no record of your birth, education, employment or residence in Texas. Are you really a Texan?
TEX: Youse guys are a buncha f***ing mooks!
BIG: Thanks for clearing that up.
TEX: (moving his Glock so he can open his laptop) You’re messing with my name and according to Trump Anti-Media Research, you call yourself “Big.” That’s not pretentious at all, is it? But what should we expect from a man referred to as “Legendary Austin Writer?” Did you come up with that yourself? Probably one of your people. At least your people had the good sense to book this interview with me.
BIG: I don’t have any “people.” And I never heard of you until you contacted me. But let’s get back to the reason we are here…why does The Donald even need a campaign in Texas? The state is overcrowded with Trumpkins. Unless Ted Cruz suddenly runs as an independent, your cousin will get 90% of the vote everywhere but Austin and Marfa.
TEX: It’s true the election doesn’t really mean much. It’s a lock. The Age of Trump has already begun. I’m here more as a planning engineer of the future. Got to get the railroads running on time to move out all the Muslims, Mexicans and subscribers to The New Yorker. Maybe I should reserve you a seat? Ha, just kidding. (looking at computer) Degenerate writers are part of Stage B. But seriously, tomorrow I’m taking a survey team to the border. The Trump Wall is going to be huge! Really fantastic. Everyone will love it!
BIG: But both the President of Mexico and Governor Perry have said there will be no wall.
TEX: That’s former Governor Perry. The new guy loves The Great Wall of Trump! We are going to make a fortune with Trump Tours. The Trump Wall Mall will be between El Paso and Juarez with security for shoppers provided by our partners in the newly emerging Trump Cartel. Oh, and The Trump Cartel has already developed Trump Wall Banger for when weed is legalized. It’s huge! Totally chronic. See, we want to include Mexicans in this new Trump prosperity.
BIG: This whole plan sounds surrealistically reckless. Think what it could lead to. Maybe we’d build a wall around Austin to keep out rich techie hipsters and illogical climate change deniers.
TEX: Phfffttt...So you are one of those pathetic old-Austin-scene-hangers-on who feel like they were part of some kind of renaissance, even though they can’t point to what they contributed. Eeew, I saw Janis. Bless me, I knew Stevie Ray…your kind mopes about, fretting over how the good old days were so fabulous and everything has been corrupted by success?
BIG: To quote The Uranium Savages, “Let’s make Austin great again!” And the “scene” was, and is, more than just great musicians. Artists, writers, flower venders, bouncers, waitresses, club owners, DJs, bus drivers…
TEX: It’s always shrewd to portray one’s self as a man of the people. (looking at laptop) Anyway, you apparently spent a lot of time at E! Entertainment Television. Can you introduce me to Kim Kardashian?
BIG: I’ve never met the woman.
TEX: Hmm, that’s a bit odd. So did you ever meet Meat Loaf? There’s something in your file about an obscure movie called “Roadie” that starred Meat Loaf.
BIG: Yes, I co-wrote…
TEX: Isn’t it true that Michael Ventura wrote all the good parts of “Roadie,” and you just helped with the car chases? And isn’t it also true that you recently slunk out of Hollywood because you couldn’t get arrested as a screenwriter, you are ashamed of all the sophomoric silliness you helped perpetrate through the E channel, and your book Slap Noir was an abysmal failure?
BIG: Abysmal may not be the right word. And I seem to detect a trace of hostility in…
TEX: Did you or did you not spend your years in Austin drinking to excess and abusing drugs, while demonstrating a lack of commitment in your relationships, a total absence of responsibility, and a disdain for punctuality?
BIG: Now hold on there! I was generally on time and…AND wait a minute! How did you take over this interview?
TEX: The strong will lead and the lame shall try to follow. Now listen up, chump - The Trump Presidential Palace Casino will be near what is now called Brownsville and will soon be Trumpville. The white folks there love the new name! After all, “Brownsville” sounds sorta racist, doesn’t it? And The Trump Wall won’t be some bland monolith. Both sides will be graced with murals of all the Trump wives and daughters. When they were 18-21, of course. None of us want murals of old broads, do we?
BIG: The Mexican graffiti artists will thank you for the mural of Trump women.
TEX: Over around Nogales, Billionaires from across the globe will come play at The Trump Desert Wall Golf Resort.
BIG: You’re catering to billionaires and the cartel. I suppose Tijuana will be the Trump Recuperative Spa for Wounded Terrorists?
TEX: How droll. (laptop makes pinging sound) I wonder if all your old hippie friends realize that you participated in the Viet Nam War?
BIG: They probably suspect I was up to something for those two years.
TEX: Looking at you now, it’s hard to believe you were ever a soldier.
BIG: I didn’t look much better back then. And here’s a scoop for you. I single-handedly caused us to lose the war when I was walking point and mistakenly led the entire United States Army into Laos. I’ve always had a lousy sense of direction.
TEX: It’s very revealing how you can make light of such a tragedy. And speaking of tragedies, what, if anything, do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment during your Hollywood years?
BIG: I once drove almost 5 miles on San Vicente Boulevard and found my destination without getting lost even once.
TEX: Your mother must be very proud.
BIG: Two final questions. What do you and your cousin think of Brexit?
TEX: We are looking forward to helping the newly freed people of the island make England great again, starting with a rebranding of the Trump Tower of London!
BIG: Considering his divorces, affairs, questionable business practices, the whole biblical-camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle thing and a rich man’s chances of getting into heaven, why is Donnie boy so popular with evangelicals?
TEX: Frankly, Trumpism brings a new energy to the tired old Christian dogma. Don’t get me wrong, all Trumps love Jesus. Love Him! Not in a sexual way, but we love him like a brother. But let’s face it, Christians are sick and tired of being crucified by the liberal media, the feminazis, and the stand-up comics. It’s no accident of chance that just when Christianity needs, not just balls, but a dick, Donald Trump should appear.
James BigBoy Medlin © 2016
James BigBoy Medlin is a writer who lives in Silver City, New Mexico, he was a writer and the sports columnist for the original Austin Sun.